If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I need to calm my uterus...
Randomize
