Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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