I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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