she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
