I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
