Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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