You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
