I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize