I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
