I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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