Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I love having hate sex.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
