Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
