It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
