1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
