Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize