smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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