The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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