1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
