just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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