Yo dont text me then not text me
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
