Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
