If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
