I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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