what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
