i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
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