i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
