I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
