The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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