I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
