Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize