Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
