when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
