I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Randomize
