Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
