Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize