Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
high people should be assigned attendants
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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