T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
You pole danced in your parka.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Randomize
