He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
