Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
