Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
