Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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