We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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