i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
