Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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