I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
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