The brown eye won't let me do that either.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
