At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
