Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I just want to make out with him forever
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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