You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize