Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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