I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
