I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
