I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
