none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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