the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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