So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
