Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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