i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
