he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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