I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
