even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
