I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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