if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
my shit smells like andre
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
