I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
