Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
