This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
