8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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